Dating today looks markedly different from the days of meeting someone at a high school dance and asking if you can pick them up Friday night to see a movie. According to a recent study by researchers at Stanford University and the University of Mexico, roughly 40% of heterosexual couples and 65% of same-sex couples meet online today. More and more couples are moving away from traditional means of finding partners and toward online dating apps and social media; and this trend shows no signs of slowing down.
If you’re a single mom who’s been off the market for several years, the dating world’s new normal can seem strange and overwhelming. Factor in a family to raise without a partner, and you may just find yourself in over your head. That’s why I’ve compiled this short list of dating dos and don’ts, gleaned from my own recent six-year foray into the new dating world, in the hopes that it may quell some of the anxiety you’re likely feeling and help you build a roadmap to success:
Don’t:
1. Introduce someone new to your kids too soon
What is too soon? I don’t think you can effectively put a number on it; but my suggestion would be to consider that most relationships fail between the 3-5 month mark. That’s about how long it takes to really start getting to know someone. Kids get attached to people very quickly, and it’s the hardest thing in the world to see them hurting because mommy’s new friend isn’t around anymore. I’m not saying there’s a foolproof way to avoid that; but really make sure, as best you can, that this person is both good for you and here to stay before introducing them into your kids’ lives.
2. Seek to replace Daddy
This may not be a popular opinion, but unless your kids’ dad is totally out of the picture, don’t seek a new one for them. Your romantic relationship, while it should absolutely serve your entire family, is primarily for you. Make sure this person will be a support system for you and your kids, but not a replacement dad when one isn’t needed. You want to be with someone who loves, supports, and cares for you first, and who will ALSO…love and support your kids! If you’ve got that backwards, you may be headed for another tough breakup down the road, which will negatively impact all of you.
3. Lose yourself in the mix
Ladies…I just cannot say this with enough emphasis. It is so easy for you to put other people’s needs and desires before your own. You’re so accustomed to putting your kids first that when someone comes along who you’re hoping will support YOU and put YOU first oftentimes you don’t know how to handle it and end up deferring your needs to one more person in your life.
Do NOT put your desires and your needs on the back burner in order to please the person you’re dating. Don’t cancel your own plans and carve away at more of your precious time to satisfy someone else…even if they don’t know you’re doing this. Don’t even pretend you have no preferences. Everyone does and everyone knows this. Be yourself and trust that the right person will be attracted to who you already are.
Do:
1. Take your time
I fully understand the urge to run out and find someone new to “take care of” you after a divorce or break up. You’re used to having someone there for you…even if it wasn’t working well. In fact, even if it was terrible. But don’t hitch your wagon to the first shiny star that comes along. All that glitters truly is not gold; and, besides, you’ve got some growing and self-discovery to do before you’re ready to move forward in a healthy, meaningful way.
2. Strike a balance and find someone to love who gets that
You want and need your life to be manageable. No, it’s not all your kids, but let’s be real – a heck of a lot of it is! They are your number one priority, and you’ll do whatever it takes to make sure they’re safe, happy, healthy, educated, and loved. But what about you, momma? I’m sure you’ve heard the old scenario about making sure you have your oxygen mask secured first before helping your child with theirs in reference to self-care a thousand times, but how about once more for truth-sinking purposes? You must…take care of yourself and ensure that you are in a good place mentally, emotionally, and physically, in order to be the best mom you can be to those littles. Part of that is making sure you have healthy, uplifting relationships with other grown ups!
3. Trust your gut
As a mom, you are fully aware that a lot of your life is lived on your instincts – maternal and other. You know how you can hear the difference between a fake scream and a real one from your child, from several rooms (or backyards) away? That’s what I’m talking about here. Don’t doubt yourself – deep down you have the same intuitive ability to discern whether it’s a good time for you to date or not, whether you’re being true to yourself in the process or not, and whether this person’s on the level or not.
If it feels wrong in any way…it probably is. Don’t let some oily salesman talk you into a 30-year contract when you haven’t really even gotten past kicking the tires yet. You know who you are! And if you don’t, wait. Don’t date until you feel really clear and confident on that point first. But in the meantime, build up that self-worth by parenting, working, playing, and living instinctually. Know what’s right for you and go with it.
Dating may look and feel different in today’s world, but know that you are fully equipped and capable of navigating it like a pro. And the beauty of the world being so connected online is that when you need help or advice, it’s right at your fingertips. Now get out there and do your thing!
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